Film Review: Jason Goes To Hell - The Franchise Goes To Hell
Two people I cannot forgive are Sean S. Cunningham and Adam Marcus. Sean, for creating the franchise (Even though you abandoned it after one film, then came back, claimed it as your baby and got your hands on it through a desperate company not unlike a deadbeat alcoholic father) I respect you, but I don't respect you for Jason Goes To Hell. Adam Marcus is on par with Joel Schumacher in terms of burial of a franchise. I am going to dissect and rip apart Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday.
So it all started in the late 80's, Friday the 13th had run its course with Paramount, so in order to turn a profit on the series for the last time, they released Jason Takes Manhattan. Of course, Jason taking Manhattan included him on the fucking Catholic Boat for the majority of the film, with the rest being filmed in Vancouver (The Windy Apple) and like 3-4 minutes of it actually being shot in New York (With stock footage its roughly 5). New Line was interested in acquiring the rights to the franchise at this point with the intent of producing a Nightmare on Elm Street/Friday the 13th Crossover. It really makes you think, the New Blood was supposed to be Freddy vs Jason, but after the two companies failed to come to an agreement we got Jason vs The Lovely Tina Sheppard. It makes me think that if they had agreed, Paramount would still have made more Jason movies and the series could have progressed properly, but nope, we got Parts 7 and 8, then Paramount sold Friday the 13th to New Line.
Actually, they didn't sell "Friday the 13th" you see, Paramount retained all the past films and characters, which until recently was all theirs. All New Line got was the following
The Names "Jason Voorhees" "Pamela Voorhees" and "Crystal Lake"
No Tommy Jarvis. No references to the past films! Nothing. That's like paying for a Big Mac without the meat! I mean, they should have shelled out everything they had to get everything they needed. Sure it could have been a blow to their finances, but they could have made everything back! I know JGTH was pretty good in the box office, right? Yeah it did, on a 3 Million dollar budget, it brought in about 15.9 Mil. Now, think of it like this, if they had bought the rights to the whole franchise, then made a proper sequel to part 8 and made it good, they could have probably made a lot more! I know this is all conjecture and for all I know this could have gone worse, but still I wouldn't be shocked if it turned into the best Friday the 13th film since Part 6!
Alright, before I go into the plot, lets take a look at pre-production. Two original ideas were made. One was going to be a Boyz in the Hood-esque tale of Jason going to L.A and forcing two groups of inner city black youths to team up and take him out. Harmless enough, not the best idea but it would have at least been a fun watch. Idea 2: Bringing in an Elias Voorhees, brother of Jason Voorhees, who was portrayed as bigger, meaner and more violent. I actually think that's pretty cool! Besides, we probably would have seen more Jason than what we got, which was this alleged film. They couldn't come up with anything, so we got this thrown together, patted down, sad looking mess. Yeah, I referenced Falling Down, sue me! They had the foundations to make a good film, with or without the rights to prior films. Sean S. Cunningham the burnt out movie producer who fucking loves to take credit for the series (even though he was nowhere to be found once it hit its peak and only really wrote and directed the first movie, and we all know that the first movie has nothing to do with why the franchise is such an iconic series and acts merely as an introductory film to a franchise that wasn't even planned to be a franchise) came on as Producer. Okay, that's cool he came back and maybe he will have something useful to contribute, I would expect that from this man, wouldn't you?
He kinda just sat there, barking orders at Adam Marcus who is just...not a good director. I don't really recall him doing anything after this aside from writing. I can't really insult the guy beyond this film, all I can say is I'm glad your directing career didn't take off. This duo should be ashamed, Sean I hope you know that this is tantamount to letting someone gang rape your child, and Adam Marcus and the Screenwriters are the rapists, alright enough ranting! Lets dive into this shit sandwich!
The Movie starts like any Friday the 13th should start, with some T&A. Okay, so far so good. Bitch is showering, and acting like the opening kill girl, very good shit. Okay, woah there is Jason! Hey, I see some continuity! He looks all melty and burnt, I like that! It actually looks like he has been soaking in toxic waste! He kind of has this kind of look to him!
That's pretty cool! I actually just realized where they may have gotten some inspiration for Jason's look! Ha ha cool, anyways. Jason chases the girl around with a machete, through the woods. Oh, shes in an open field! Bitch is gonna get cut! Ha there he is! Wait, she runs away...why didn't anyone ever think of that before when they back into a killer? She does a well choreographed combat dive into safety and a bunch of guys with guns start firing off at Jason! Personally, I thought this was cool at first and again it is one of those "why didn't they just do that at first?" moments, but then they call in a fucking AIRSTRIKE, on Jason. Seriously? Who the fuck would authorize this? Anyways, Jason gets blown to shit and placed in a bag where he is off to the morgue! Some weaselly guy and George Washington Duke examine him. The nerdy white guy goes out for Pizza and Tommy Gunn's manager records an analysis on the remains. We get a shot of Jason's charred dick and the rest of the body. Suddenly the heart hypnotizes George Washington Duke and he eats it for some reason? He starts howling and gets possessed by Jason's soul. Kane Hodder plays a Security Guard who pesters the white guy for ID. For some reason they can't hear the booming demonic screams coming out of the examination room and then the white guy re-enters. He bashes Jason, claiming that he wants to take a shit in his mask, not knowing that George Washington Voorhees is going to kill him. He forces his face down into the grate and jams an autopsy probe into his neck. Pretty cool kill scene. Would have been better if Jason did it.
My main gripe with this film is the possession story. What the fuck possessed these people to write something like this? (No Pun intended) This is just bad! Horrible, not what people would fucking pay to see! I'm glad I streamed this movie and forwent the whole buying process, this movie is just one big heap of steaming dissatisfaction. Anyways, we meet Creighton Duke (played by Steven Williams, Famous for playing Mr. X in the X-Files, along with other roles. He is a bounty hunter and the only likable character in the damn movie (this includes Jason). Duke is a bounty hunter who offers to kill Jason (because immediately everybody knows and believes that he possessed someone). The news anchor pays him a hefty sum to get the job done. For some reason, they made it that only another Voorhees can kill Jason. But there aren't any other Voorhees Family members out there right?
WRONG!
We meet Jessica Kimble, I think that's her name. Allegedly the half sister of Jason Voorhees, born from his mentioned but never introduced father Elias Voorhees. I kind of lose touch with the movie at this point (Hell I didn't have any touch to begin with), but we meet the nerdy dude from the Friday the 13th Series, which is still a better use of the name than this shit! Oh wait, this doesn't even have the Friday the 13th name in this! Ugh, what a piece of shit.
So the dork, I think his name is Steven, or Stephen I don't know I really wasn't paying attention, picks up some hitchhiking sexy teens out on the highway, flirts with one of them because apparently his relationship with his Girlfriend (Not sure if they are broken up, or are breaking up I wasn't really paying attention) whom birthed his child isn't very good. Anyways, the sexy teens decide to camp in Crystal Lake, not knowing that George Washington Duke is coming for them!
Okay, this is a bit nit-picky but I'll go out and say it, why do kids come specifically to Crystal Lake to do this! Jason active or not? Considering Jason was just reported on the news as being active! Even still, there have been copycats before (Hey Roy Burns, hows it going ), its just fucking dumb. You can drive or hitchhike to other places! Why go to the lake where there have been 100 Murders?! Ugh, I guess plot convenience never learns. Oh and get this, Stephen makes a crack about them dying too, "Smoke some weed, have some premarital sex". I'm all for Meta-Humor, but that line was just badly delivered and the joke was forced. Leave the Meta-Humor to Tom McLoughlin. Anyways, one of the few good parts in the movie, the one girl goes to take a piss and gets sliced up with a straight razor by Jason Washington Voorhees, and then the one girl is riding her boyfriend, gets a tent pole rammed through her chest and gets ripped apart! Boyfriend is screaming, probably half cocked at this point and gets...off screen killed....ugh! Apparently his skull gets crushed, which would have been nice to see but whatever. There have been off-screen kills before.
Ugh, More exposition, some Jason is dead burger sale, HEY WAIT! The news just said he was back! Ugh. I'm not gonna look for logic anymore, not even Slasher-Logic. So yea, the burgers look like his mask, lets get back to the killing. I would like to also mention that this movie has the worst score ever. Sounds like it was done on a dollar store keyboard. Harry Manfredini is being spit on...WAIT HE DID THE SOUNDTRACK?!? Ugh, no Harry...No! Ugh
So some woman gets her head smashed by a car door, and Jason kidnaps this guy, I think he's a cop (Again, not paying attention here) and ties him down, strips him naked and shaves him. Ugh, UGH. that's just unnecessary and wrong. Seriously, what the hell. So after shaving him he fires a turd down his throat from his mouth and Jason has a new body. More shit happens, Jason tries to move into his Step-Moms body which apparently brings him back, but Stephen comes in and stops it. Not-Mrs Voorhees catches a Knife Sharpener to the spine and dies. Stephen is the suspect and gets taken into custody. He meets Creighton Duke who tells him that if he is needed to place tape in an X-Shape on his window...no, no that was from the X-Files, A Much better piece of media. Anyways, there's a scene where the worm leaves a guy and he melts, which is kinda cool but the damage is done. Jason gets into a reporters body somehow, rips a dudes arm off, kills a bunch of people in a diner and chases down Stephen and Jessica, gets in a scuffle where the Jason-worm escapes the reporters body, climbs up the cooch of the woman and breaks out of the floor.....wait....no....no no no...OKAY!
Why the fuck does Jason look like he did at the beginning of the movie?! Why does he have those clothes, and a Mask? Really..Really?
Okay let me get this straight, Jason should not look like that. He is reborn, new body. He shouldn't have any scars, no chemical burns and no mask. Hell, he really shouldn't even have clothes! Unless he laid out the melted ass hockey mask and burnt ass jump suit down there, it shouldn't happen. He should look like he did in his first few movies. He shouldn't have a mask and the clothes are slightly forgivable. Nobody wants to see Kane Hodder's ass, of course they shouldn't have Hodder play a new human Jason. Anyways, Jason and the two scuffle, they drive a magic knife into him and he gets dragged to hell by a bunch of hands. Then, Stephen and Jessica walk away, brought back together by this experience. Never mind that everyone they care about is dead. Oh and Creighton Duke died too. He got a bear hug or some crap.
We get the obligatory Freddy reference, with him dragging Jason's mask down to hell and BAM! Shitfest is over.
My final impression of this movie is that it is a worthless piece of shit, directed by a worthless piece of shit, written by 2 other worthless piece of shits and produced by someone who didn't even contribute the best parts of the series. It's a movie that could have been so much more, with the right care and money put into it. The only thing even remotely well done in it was the trailer, which if I recall still shows the worm!
I know I should think, "its Just a Jason film, love the gore and tits" well, sorry It's not a Jason film. Jason is only there in spirit. To be honest, Sean Cunningham should have never been brought back to the series. If New Line had a fucking functioning brain cell they would have booked someone who, Oh I don't know ACTUALLY DID A JASON MOVIE! If I was in charge, I would have brought McLoughlin, Beuchler, Zito, Savini and even Steve Miner. HELL, I would have even given Rob Hedden a second chance! Sean Cunningham wanted to plaster his name on something he didn't really do much for, and he had it tied down, stripped, shaved and worm raped. He would go on to produce a movie to make up for it, to tide us over until Freddy vs Jason came out, and that was Jason X. Jason X had Jason in it, so I can't complain. It had some tits and gore and was at least enjoyable, then we finally got Freddy vs Jason, which was a whole pile of meh. The Jason character was buried, until 2009, when Platinum Dunes rebooted the series and it was surprisingly good. Best film they churned out ever. It took a reboot to save the series, and say what you want about part 8, but it didn't bury the series, it damaged it but it didn't kill it like Jason Goes To Hell did. It can be argued that Jason Goes To Hell is partially responsible for the death of the Slasher Genre, along with Freddy's Dead and Scream of course.
My Final words on this supposed movie is, don't watch it unless it's streamed for free. Don't buy this DVD. Don't Rent it. Don't even stream it on Netflix. I'm sure they get a small pay for every time it's streamed. The movie was a piece of shit, abomination of a movie that just devastated the Jason character and mythology so bad that it needed a reboot for people to take it seriously again, and even then I'm not too sure. Sean Cunningham, I was a little harsh on you, and I guess your heart was in the right place but you fucked up, and Adam Marcus you disgust me! All I have to say to you is.....
Rating: 0.5 Out of 5 Machetes
Review By: The Otto Pataki (RedDotbang)
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